losing my nerve

And then she was gone. 

My name is Leila. I'm not a blogger. Before all of this I would have been too busy to even think about blogging. And honestly, I had nothing really interesting to say; at least nothing for this kind of forum.

Several weeks ago my nervous system decided to turn against me, literally. Everything I thought I was; everything I was capable of; every emotion and ability and understanding and even my very sanity was taken and rearranged in a way I still do not understand. 

I don't know what I'm doing here really, or if anyone would read this. But I have at least figured out that using my brain in a logical, purposeful way is one tactic to get back to something resembling who I was just 18 days ago.

And the mystery of what is happening - plus the idea that it may be happening to other people - well I guess that intrigues me enough to put something to print. I know enough to be dangerous, but am willing to put the work in to hunt down relevant research and pour through my medical records if I can find some clue as to why this is happening. Up until October of 2023, I had a primary care provider I saw twice a year for checkups. Now I have three specialists - all scratching their heads.

If I don't survive this. If my own brain continues to evolve into an auto-cannibalistic monster who stops my heart or diminishes my ability to breathe, I guess I'd like to think that somehow I'd at least tried. And maybe a few people would have learned something that prevented someone else's final act of self destruction. 

Before all of this, I was very successful - a nurse practitioner, educator, leader, innovator - on the cusp of launching a new company, co-authoring a pathophysiology book, embarking on a new career path in clinical education administration. I rode horses and enjoyed a small farm with children and grandchildren. I rode on motorcycles and went dancing and enjoyed concerts and friends. All of that, for now at least, is impacted in one way or another. 

I've survived heartbreak, childhood abuse and neglect, infidelity, divorce(s), poverty, and even cancer. My husband says I'm inspirational. As I begin down this new path I did not ask for, with no compass or similar companion, I feel anything but. 

This is my story.